Friday, August 26, 2016


There are two great causes of regret: the thing we did and the thing we did not do. Someone once told me that between those two, the thing he did not do was the one that harmed him more. At that time I was completely agree with him. But recently, I kinda thing that it is the thing I did that cause more pain to me. The words I said, the act I chose - the memory of that day keep repeating inside my head and haunting me. Sometimes you can hate your self more than you hate anyone else. You hurt the people you love and you regret it. Well, words cause mess sometimes.


I know how it feels to lose something. Name it a book I like, my favorite cellphone, my lovely white top, and so on. I've been coping with losing just like others human being. I went mad for a while, turned sad, and puff, as the time passed by, some lost completely lost on the way, while some still left scar till today. However, I learn that the most devastated feeling incurred by the feeling of losing faith in someone you are close to. Once you lose your faith, there is nothing spared. To have faith on someone means you trust them. Once that faith broke, you will find your self sitting alone, at your favorite coffee shop, with no idea how to bring back what lost from you.

Sunday, August 7, 2016


Maybe i try to be one. 

Friday, August 5, 2016

I was there

In the rain when you caught a flu
I was there.
In the middle of thunderstorm when you cried over your mom's whereabout
I was there.
In the midnight when darkness is solid you could not see anything
I was there.
In the evening when you twisted your leg
I was there.

In the morning when you smile for everything you achieved.
I was not there.

I guess your bad days suit me well.

Monday, July 25, 2016


It is sincerity that we need the most in this troubled world and problematic self. To be sincere in everything we do. To be sincere in everything we say. To not expect anything in return. To not count the good deeds we have done. 

It is the sincerity that keeps us going on. The sincerity to make others happy. The sincerity to always give the best of us. The sincerity to sacrifice for those we love. The sincerity to provide kindness unconditionally.

It is the sincerity that manages us to be sane. The sincerity to give and not wanting back. The sincerity to apologize for our negative minds. The sincerity to forgive before one says sorry.

Recently, it is the sincerity that saves me.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

not a quite good advise

Forgive me for being a rambling bitch today, but I was sipping my favorite coffee when I somehow stumbled upon her blog. Her blog used to be my favorite daily dose but since things have changed, I've almost never had a chance to read it again. So when this very afternoon I visited her blog and scrolled down to the few latest entries, I found she said in her blog that we should follow our heart because our heart knows the truth. Funny how it looks like a simple answer for my current problem I created for my self. I advised the same thing to my friend a week ago, never thought that I myself would find it relevant with my condition. Truth is I am feeling like my heart does not know the truth, and following my heart seems like a mistake, no?


Over a quick brunch I seldom have with her, my mom told me once that there are things we could not force to happen or not to happen. There are things beyond our ability that we have no control of. There are things that we cannot work it out.  Well for example, you cannot be a part of the Windsor clan no matter how hard you try. The chance is zero point zero point something so close to zero.

My mom is the most realistic person in my entire life. When I was a kid I kinda dislike that trait of her since she used to tell me the truth - whether I could have something or not, whether I could achieve something or not - that sometimes hurt to be accepted by a child. Now that I've grown up, I start to be thankful for that kind of characteristic that somehow is passed to me. The trait that keeps me stay and safe, the trait that saves me for many times. 

These days I could admit that there are things that no matter how hard we try, we just cannot get it the way we want it to be. Had my mom did not tell me this principle, I might find my self laying on the ground draining all my energy. Now that I am fully aware and understand her statement, I could find my self sitting in this favorite place of mine, typing some words to release my distraught brain. I could think clearer and look at the bright side of everything that is happening to me right now. I can see the pattern, this evil cycle that has been haunting me. I have quitted but lately I've been watching my self fighting again.

The question is, should I believe in her and stop everything I am doing now, or should I chase what I might want to achieve?

I guess, quitting is healing - sometimes.


I've been dreaming to go there whole my life. I've been telling people that I would definitely be there, reaching my dream. Now that I have many opportunities to pursuit it, there is a cloud of doubt hanging on my head. There is a fear that I won't get it, thus I don't even dare to try. Sometimes I have one silly thought that keeping the dream alive is better than trying it out then fail.  To be honest, that is a coward mindset I must take away from my mind.

Fear is an old friend of mine, and to this day it is still there, harboring on the corner of my heart, ready to embrace me any soon. I am afraid of the fear itself. It keeps me away from everything I love and everything I want to have. Fear is destructive in many ways, but somehow it is always there. I often find my self waking up at night caught by the fear that want to say hello to me. For most of the time, I can be free from it but at the end of day it keeps coming back to me. 

How do you kick away that kind of fear? That feeling that make you tired and simply unable to trust your own ability? That uneasy feeling that stops your steps and haunts you night and days? Can you find the cure to heal it? To kill that fear from your memory lane? I am afraid the answer is no.

Monday, July 4, 2016

To the people who saved us

In this life, in a time or two, I have encountered few people that have saved me. They don't notice how they action have helped me a lot, but I do. I believe most of us have those kind of people in their life. Those whom we will always be grateful to. Those whose even death would make us pay tribute to. Towards those people, we would always try everything possible to pay back what they did for us. They might have stayed with us in our darkness days or they might just had faith in us when nobody did. In short, what they did were remarkable for our existence.

Towards those people, we just cannot get mad because we know that we won't survive without them. Towards those people, anger is taboo since we won't have any single gut to do so. Towards those people, no matter how much you want to stay away and hate them for all the wrongdoings they did, you just cannot. Why? because one kindness they gave you back then, was so precious and happened in the right time - that you will be able to forgive all the crimes they did to you. Because all of their sins towards you were incomparable with the one thing they did that saved you.

Now, how if that particular one you saved was also the one who saved you? In all sense, all you have in between is just a mutual gratitude - not more, ain't I right?

Saturday, June 18, 2016


Sekarang hujan di jam dua lewat dua belas pagi ini.

Sekarang hujan dan ingatanku terpaku di hari itu.

Selasa itu hujan saat kita pertama berjumpa di tengah senja.

Siang itu juga hujan saat kau teleponku pertama kalinya.

Ingat tidak saat kita bertualang ke ujung kota? Waktu itu juga hujan.

Sewaktu anak anjingmu melahirkan, hujan juga turun deras.

Selalu ada hujan di tengah cerita kita.

Kau suka derasnya, ku suka bunyinya.

Kali ini aku memohon pada hujan  dengan khidmat, dengan penuh tekad.

Biar hujan bersedia membunuhmu;

dari ingatanku.

Untuk malam ini dan selama hujan masih sudi turun di bumi.

Cibubur, 18 Juni 2016.